Dear stomach kindly fuck off.
In other new TIL that both Kevin from Kevin alone at home and Elijah Wood starred as children together. It is called "The Good Son" and is fairly creepy for its genre (h
No tsetse fly
Today I want to cry,
today I want to die,
today I want to fly,
free into the sky,
where I could get by,
with a hug and a lie.
Here I am the bad guy,
for I barely scrape by,
I am no tsetse fly.
Seeing Robin William's death discussed in the media is quite upsetting. He died as a result of his depression, yet non of these people seem to even begin understanding the trials and tribulation of the illness. Worse, they seem to have barely bothered looking it up. He died because his suffering became too great. It was no reflection on his perceived self worth or the worth others placed upon him. Would you speak of someone not understanding their worth if they committed suicide after years of cancer? Presumably not, because people would argue that cancer is very often terminal in and by itself. However keep in mind that depression is incredibly deadly. Depending on who you ask, up to 20% of people suffering from it complete suicide. Depression doesn't have the good grace to kill you itself, it just locks you into your own mind with no hope for the future, no ability to feel any joy and regularly a crippling anxiety when facing any and all tasks. How long do you think you would last like that? Robin William lasted very long by all accounts, but yesterday he decided that the pain had to end. I for one am happy for him. I know he is in a better place. What I feel sorry for is that he had depression in the first place. Sadly many people do, yet so few people who aren't ill themselves have any idea what it is like.
Self harm day one. Hi, I'm back again. My lovely not cutting tools didn't do the trick in the long run. Feeling something cut through the pain and misery helped though. Something I guess. I hate my life and I want to die. I feel like an angsty teenager. Can I be an angsty adult? Apart from the fact I am not angsty. I am ill and frustrated and have been pushed by university beyond the very edge of sanity. I hope that entire department shrivels and dies in a heal of misery.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Current Location:51.9008,-1.1794
|You Are Britain|
You are a complete intellectual type, and you're the first to admit that you can get lost in your thoughts.
I hate leading others? Really? People usually tell me I am a natural leader...
- Current Location:Bicester, UK
- Current Mood:apathetic - lost my will to live
What almost offends me most though is just how much she offends me. I can not figure out why I care so much, why she makes my skin tingle. The best I can come up with is the intentional ignorance combined with arrogance. Bleh. I wish she would just get on with paying back what she owes, as we do need the money ourselves. However, whenever we ask she "looses" the e-mail, her phone didn't buzz or couldn't make it to an event. How very honest and Christian. May be less time on bible study and more time on being a decent human?
- Current Mood: angry
- Current Music:T, snoring in the background
Fun things I'd like to do each week:
Draw with Garry
My depression was very bad yesterday, but seemed to have calmed down a bit today, which is rather exciting. Hopefully it will stay that way. Using Tommy's computer on the other hand is driving me up the wall. It is heavy and noisy! I hope money arrives sooooon >.>
- Current Location:Still homeless
- Current Mood: annoyed
- Current Music:CSI in the background
I think it would be fun to revive my LJ. I originally wrote it for mum and mum is now dead. I also wrote it for my friends for a while, but the friends have long left LJ. So now I can write it for me. I used to feel like I always had to put a certain spin on things for my "audience". I don't need to do that anymore, which is quite fun. Even my private diary feels as if it should always end on a positive, constructive note - mainly because my counsellor told me to write it. It seems more like a mood exercise, than recounting how I feel halve of the time. This shall be just for me, where I can be as negative as I want to. I shan't mind if I sound like an emo teenager or slightly pathetic. I am just writing for me. I quite like that idea.
So, how am I feeling? Today, I want to die. It is the first day in over a week of feeling suicidal again and lord does it suck. I just want to leave. Nothing inspires me, nothing makes me smile. The thought of food vaguely sounds promising, but mainly because it will give me a slight high - and I am trying to get away from that. Not happy. Especially as I told the doctor only yesterday how much better I was doing. Garry is going on my nerves, as I need some me time and he struggles with the concept. He feels like I should be able to just "cheer up" or "be cheered up", when I feel such a level of grump and grouch that just talking to me is going to set me off. If someone gave me pills, I would take them.
I have no idea if that is my depression or just me. It might just be me to be fair. No idea. I have never been without depression, so I don't know what the normal me is. But then is it normal to feel that you are not allowed to write your private journal for yourself? May be I just don't do normal.
- Current Location:In Sunningdale - being homeless
- Current Mood: amused
- Current Music:Tom's fan making stupid amounts of noise
I'm holding up okay. Some days are hard, some are easier - most I am just exhausted when coming home at ten after a day in hospital. I cried a bit when I gave my consent to take her off the chemotherapy and focus on pain management. I felt ill the first time she couldn't remember what day or time it was despite me telling her repeatedly. However, you somehow get used to everything.
As most of you will know, I am now in a polyamorous relationship. I guess "coming out" is meant to be a big deal, but I am just too tired to make a big deal of it. Garry, Tom and I are in a V-shaped relationship, with me as the point at the bottom. Garry is still struggling a bit with it, but he has gotten much more comfortable with time. I feel happier than I've been in ages and they are both doing an amazing job supporting me. Last week Garry was here for a few days and on Tuesday Tommy is coming for four days. Then Garry wants to come back at the end of the month. I think having two of them really makes it easier on both, as it means that I am not just relying on either and there is no guilt in needing an evening off. Mum doesn't know yet, which also makes me sad, as she would usually be my first port of call on all things love-life related, but I feel that polyamory would just be too much at the moment when our current goal is to help her remember what time of the day it is.
Other people have been generally amazing about it. I've told most of my friends and even a few of mum's friends. Originally I had big plans on how to break it to people gently, but in the current situation I honestly couldn't care less. I am so glad that I have two awesome men (and even more awesome friends) supporting me at the moment, that it would feel wrong to keep stumm about it, just in case I am offending someone's sensibilities. So far I've however just been told "Fair enough" and "Good for you!" a lot, one person told me that I am just plain greedy wanting two men all for myself and another bought me a drink and told me she thought it was awesome. Only one person asked how the whole thing worked and they were genuinely curious and eager to understand, rather than critical. As far as I know Tom and Garry had the same experience. Garry's best friend told him that it would not be for her, but as long as everyone consented and Garry was fine with it, that was good enough for her and Tommy's parents just checked if he was happy with the arrangement and when he said he was, they were happy for him. Surprising really considering polygamy is outright illegal, no matter if all parties consent or not. However, I am very happy and reading about the shiny new subgroup I am now a member of is keeping me relatively sane if I don't want to think about mum's situation too hard.
That's all from me for now. Take care. If you ever do get to read this mum: I love you and we will make it through this together, no matter what the outcome shall be.