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Letter and TIL

Dear stomach kindly fuck off.



In other new TIL that both Kevin from Kevin alone at home and Elijah Wood starred as children together. It is called "The Good Son" and is fairly creepy for its genre (h
)). It does however mean that Macaulen(?) Culken is the same age as Elijah. My childhood just died a little.

Bad poetry and Robin Williams

also, why does lj not allow auto-posting to tumblr?

No tsetse fly

Today I want to cry,
today I want to die,
today I want to fly,
free into the sky,
where I could get by,
with a hug and a lie.
Here I am the bad guy,
for I barely scrape by,
I am no tsetse fly.

Seeing Robin William's death discussed in the media is quite upsetting. He died as a result of his depression, yet non of these people seem to even begin understanding the trials and tribulation of the illness. Worse, they seem to have barely bothered looking it up. He died because his suffering became too great. It was no reflection on his perceived self worth or the worth others placed upon him. Would you speak of someone not understanding their worth if they committed suicide after years of cancer? Presumably not, because people would argue that cancer is very often terminal in and by itself. However keep in mind that depression is incredibly deadly. Depending on who you ask, up to 20% of people suffering from it complete suicide. Depression doesn't have the good grace to kill you itself, it just locks you into your own mind with no hope for the future, no ability to feel any joy and regularly a crippling anxiety when facing any and all tasks. How long do you think you would last like that? Robin William lasted very long by all accounts, but yesterday he decided that the pain had to end. I for one am happy for him. I know he is in a better place. What I feel sorry for is that he had depression in the first place. Sadly many people do, yet so few people who aren't ill themselves have any idea what it is like.

Aug. 5th, 2014

Self harm day one. Hi, I'm back again. My lovely not cutting tools didn't do the trick in the long run. Feeling something cut through the pain and misery helped though. Something I guess. I hate my life and I want to die. I feel like an angsty teenager. Can I be an angsty adult? Apart from the fact I am not angsty. I am ill and frustrated and have been pushed by university beyond the very edge of sanity. I hope that entire department shrivels and dies in a heal of misery.

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This is quite exciting. I have been suffering from a temperature since yesterday. Not pleasant, but I am fairly used to it. The real problem are the shakes! I can not stand on one leg, the other one shakes too much. Walking does all sorts of exciting things to my muscles as I am constantly counterbalancing. Getting back up from kneeling is borderline impossible as I found out in the shower today. Holding something with one hand is also pretty hard - ideally I want two. Even typing is adventurous at times. This I could have done without.


I haven't done these in ages. Quite fun doing them again!

You Are Britain

You are a complete intellectual type, and you're the first to admit that you can get lost in your thoughts.
You have the personality of an absent minded professor, even if you haven't stepped into a classroom in years.

You may be scattered, but you are also driven when you find a subject that motivates you. You are a very capable person.
You are an original, logical, and creative thinker. You love to learn for its own sake, and you resent leading or following others.

I hate leading others? Really? People usually tell me I am a natural leader...


Hateful things

I hate, hate, hate T's friend. Every time I see her Facebook posts my skin crawls. If it wasn't for the amount of money she owed us, I would have long broke off contact...if contact we ever had. She infuriates me. Her Christian belief infuriates me. The fact that she can hold onto it as if her life depended on it and yet refuses to discuss Christianity, the Bible, bloody anything! She offends me both as an Atheist for her blind, dogged like belief and from the Christian doctrine's point of view. She is a terrible Christian and that offends me more than just her bizarre beliefs. If you HAVE to have bizarre beliefs, then at least be faithful to them! The worse part is that I can quote history and scripture until I am blue in the face - because I am an atheist my views don't count. She keeps going to one Bible study course after the next and spends weeks in mountains praying - yet she can't have a single coherent discussion about it. She won't even tell me what happens there. T says it is because she is not very clever and she knows it and thus doesn't want to risk getting into a debate...about anything with anyone. However the scripture theoretically shouldn't leave her much option in the matter, but what would I know. My ex-protestant self is horribly offended by all that is her.

What almost offends me most though is just how much she offends me. I can not figure out why I care so much, why she makes my skin tingle. The best I can come up with is the intentional ignorance combined with arrogance. Bleh. I wish she would just get on with paying back what she owes, as we do need the money ourselves. However, whenever we ask she "looses" the e-mail, her phone didn't buzz or couldn't make it to an event. How very honest and Christian. May be less time on bible study and more time on being a decent human?

Fun things

Fun things I'd like to do each week:
Tai Chi
Draw with Garry



Laptop of doom

Yesterday my laptop keyboard died, making it literally impossible to use. I tried to use an external, but balancing an external on your laptop makes typing pretty impossible. Annoying! It is not too bad, as I wanted to buy a new at the end of the week, but at the same time I wanted to start working on my dissertation yesterday - so unfortunate timing. Also money for the new laptop was only going to arrive this week, so also not ideal. I have now managed to organize myself enough to move money around which will hopefully arrive around Tuesday, so I can order a new laptop and then put things back into savings. Still annoying. Buying the laptop was meant to be a treat to get me through the summer and it becoming a chore that has to be done, sort of spoils it. Ah well. I will still (hopefully) have a new laptop by the end, so all is good.

My depression was very bad yesterday, but seemed to have calmed down a bit today, which is rather exciting. Hopefully it will stay that way. Using Tommy's computer on the other hand is driving me up the wall. It is heavy and noisy! I hope money arrives sooooon >.>

Emo diary of emo-ness

It looks like everyone is gone from LJ. I believe facebook, Twitter and Reddit are now the "cool" places to be. I am not a great lover of Reddit, although I enjoy the humour and the size of the communities, but it does not feel like a place where one is allowed to honestly discuss things at all. The ability of people to down-vote your opinion, combined with a lot of stereotypes and witch-hunts make it a bit of a creepy place at times.

I think it would be fun to revive my LJ. I originally wrote it for mum and mum is now dead. I also wrote it for my friends for a while, but the friends have long left LJ. So now I can write it for me. I used to feel like I always had to put a certain spin on things for my "audience". I don't need to do that anymore, which is quite fun. Even my private diary feels as if it should always end on a positive, constructive note - mainly because my counsellor told me to write it. It seems more like a mood exercise, than recounting how I feel halve of the time. This shall be just for me, where I can be as negative as I want to. I shan't mind if I sound like an emo teenager or slightly pathetic. I am just writing for me. I quite like that idea.

So, how am I feeling? Today, I want to die. It is the first day in over a week of feeling suicidal again and lord does it suck. I just want to leave. Nothing inspires me, nothing makes me smile. The thought of food vaguely sounds promising, but mainly because it will give me a slight high - and I am trying to get away from that. Not happy. Especially as I told the doctor only yesterday how much better I was doing. Garry is going on my nerves, as I need some me time and he struggles with the concept. He feels like I should be able to just "cheer up" or "be cheered up", when I feel such a level of grump and grouch that just talking to me is going to set me off. If someone gave me pills, I would take them.

I have no idea if that is my depression or just me. It might just be me to be fair. No idea. I have never been without depression, so I don't know what the normal me is. But then is it normal to feel that you are not allowed to write your private journal for yourself? May be I just don't do normal.

Mum's health and my love life

I am currently in Luxembourg again, because mum is poorly. The call came just after my exams, so I have yet again not had any holiday. However, this time it is likely to be the last - she is very poorly indeed and the doctors are giving her another few weeks. Sadly, I believe them. Mum is easily confused and can't breath properly. She needs oxygen all the time and can practically not walk. She has phases where she is her sharp self again and then others where she has completely lost the plot. The mental deterioration is really hard to swallow I have to say. I've actually not wanted to write in here, because I originally started this journal when I first came to university so I could keep mum updated without constantly having to call her. Now she is unlikely to ever read it again.

I'm holding up okay. Some days are hard, some are easier - most I am just exhausted when coming home at ten after a day in hospital. I cried a bit when I gave my consent to take her off the chemotherapy and focus on pain management. I felt ill the first time she couldn't remember what day or time it was despite me telling her repeatedly. However, you somehow get used to everything.

As most of you will know, I am now in a polyamorous relationship. I guess "coming out" is meant to be a big deal, but I am just too tired to make a big deal of it. Garry, Tom and I are in a V-shaped relationship, with me as the point at the bottom. Garry is still struggling a bit with it, but he has gotten much more comfortable with time. I feel happier than I've been in ages and they are both doing an amazing job supporting me. Last week Garry was here for a few days and on Tuesday Tommy is coming for four days. Then Garry wants to come back at the end of the month. I think having two of them really makes it easier on both, as it means that I am not just relying on either and there is no guilt in needing an evening off. Mum doesn't know yet, which also makes me sad, as she would usually be my first port of call on all things love-life related, but I feel that polyamory would just be too much at the moment when our current goal is to help her remember what time of the day it is.

Other people have been generally amazing about it. I've told most of my friends and even a few of mum's friends. Originally I had big plans on how to break it to people gently, but in the current situation I honestly couldn't care less. I am so glad that I have two awesome men (and even more awesome friends) supporting me at the moment, that it would feel wrong to keep stumm about it, just in case I am offending someone's sensibilities. So far I've however just been told "Fair enough" and "Good for you!" a lot, one person told me that I am just plain greedy wanting two men all for myself and another bought me a drink and told me she thought it was awesome. Only one person asked how the whole thing worked and they were genuinely curious and eager to understand, rather than critical. As far as I know Tom and Garry had the same experience. Garry's best friend told him that it would not be for her, but as long as everyone consented and Garry was fine with it, that was good enough for her and Tommy's parents just checked if he was happy with the arrangement and when he said he was, they were happy for him. Surprising really considering polygamy is outright illegal, no matter if all parties consent or not. However, I am very happy and reading about the shiny new subgroup I am now a member of is keeping me relatively sane if I don't want to think about mum's situation too hard.

That's all from me for now. Take care. If you ever do get to read this mum: I love you and we will make it through this together, no matter what the outcome shall be.

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